tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5061290982905427353.post7970489050724180924..comments2023-09-21T04:29:28.751-04:00Comments on Bouquet of Books: Made of Awesome Contest - First 250 wordsJackiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04526192448146446752noreply@blogger.comBlogger18125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5061290982905427353.post-72755711104719257462011-05-30T15:23:02.324-04:002011-05-30T15:23:02.324-04:00I think the voice is so wonderful. I love your fi...I think the voice is so wonderful. I love your first line really gives you a sense of the mc. The beginning reads like a thriller but as soon as I got to the point telling me she is a healer, I got it. I think this has little to fix for tomorrow. Good Luck.Jessicahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15266768293318241499noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5061290982905427353.post-87317631051238399432011-05-30T08:25:02.760-04:002011-05-30T08:25:02.760-04:00I am wondering if the healing ability is a semi-se...I am wondering if the healing ability is a semi-secret, because Hadley shouts in the middle of the night in a hospital. Maybe everyone knows she is a healer, and it's OK to shout. Maybe not everyone knows, so perhaps she shouldn't be shouting if she wants to keep it a semi-secret.<br />If Hadley is not going to be a snarky snark sarcastic type the whole way through the book, I'd remove the "Hello?" To me, it seems immature, and I'm of the opinion a healer would have seen more than their fair share of horrors and would be more mature. That's just my opinion, though. Of course it's your character.<br />Just some things to think about.<br />Otherwise, it's a very strong opening (my two other questions will apparently be answered in late pages, so that's OK).Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5061290982905427353.post-91216717990777391772011-05-29T19:14:03.291-04:002011-05-29T19:14:03.291-04:00Everyone - Thanks for your comments and for taking...Everyone - Thanks for your comments and for taking the time to check out my first page. Much appreciated! :)<br /><br />@erica and christy - your questions are answered in the next few pages of my story. ;)Jackiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04526192448146446752noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5061290982905427353.post-17512835154117333812011-05-29T17:17:20.989-04:002011-05-29T17:17:20.989-04:00Just a couple things that stood out to me if you&#...Just a couple things that stood out to me if you're looking to make any changes:<br />1. If she's a healer, wouldn't she already know what they brought her to a hospital for?<br />2. If she was kidnapped from her bedroom, why is she wearing a hospital gown?<br /><br />LOVE the name Hadley, btw. Good luck!!<br />ericaerica and christyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13074820593371226159noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5061290982905427353.post-38170641904800332592011-05-29T15:08:16.717-04:002011-05-29T15:08:16.717-04:00Great opening -- gruesome visuals that stick with ...Great opening -- gruesome visuals that stick with me. And fantastic opening paragraph.<br /><br />Nicely done!Nicolehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00724781806293522225noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5061290982905427353.post-69694794048140498132011-05-29T14:00:03.482-04:002011-05-29T14:00:03.482-04:00Wow! Intriguing if not a bit gruesome. This is goo...Wow! Intriguing if not a bit gruesome. This is good stuff. Sounds like a great story. Good luck with it.http://www.samposey.com/https://www.blogger.com/profile/16689027309415722271noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5061290982905427353.post-54829856535072182732011-05-29T01:12:11.351-04:002011-05-29T01:12:11.351-04:00I like the voice and the tension here. One thing t...I like the voice and the tension here. One thing that tripped me up a bit was when she said 'I can't even see his face'. It felt a little like an As-you-know-Bob. <br />I'm also wondering why she's acting so calm if she's just been kidknapped from her bed, in the middle of the night, and shown a nearly dead body.<br />Otherwise, great job! I'm intrigued!Elizabeth Hollowayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14137733615625501785noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5061290982905427353.post-55136888899751954512011-05-29T00:30:14.897-04:002011-05-29T00:30:14.897-04:00this is really good, and i mean it :) fantastic se...this is really good, and i mean it :) fantastic set up. nice and intriguing. i'd keep reading.JSChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13597776933055513727noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5061290982905427353.post-2955980201895968292011-05-28T22:53:28.151-04:002011-05-28T22:53:28.151-04:00Wow - I have no issues with this. None. Wow. wow. ...Wow - I have no issues with this. None. Wow. wow. wow. You did a fabulous job of sucking me in, giving me enough detail - gosh the descriptions are great. And I love the freak-out fest and the line, "I jumped. The body didn't."<br />She's a healer too - love all the info I got from one page! Great job and good luck!Alison Millerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12179538085536841348noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5061290982905427353.post-71684941088995954392011-05-28T22:04:50.042-04:002011-05-28T22:04:50.042-04:00i really liked the set up and sensory details i wa...i really liked the set up and sensory details i was totally grossed out but loved the effect. i agree with the previous comment. keeping with the direct would make this a solid start.<br /><br />GoodluckAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08308377685268748595noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5061290982905427353.post-58793306046823688032011-05-28T21:39:00.908-04:002011-05-28T21:39:00.908-04:00Love this! When can I get an ARC???Love this! When can I get an ARC???Kimhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09745302400759911758noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5061290982905427353.post-45660697580236726952011-05-28T17:55:37.124-04:002011-05-28T17:55:37.124-04:00I liked it, on the whole (and by "like" ...I liked it, on the whole (and by "like" I mean "yuck" ;D) but this one sentence hit me as clunky:<br /><br />A gash on his forehead nearly leaked brains, and his face held numerous cuts, making his head look like it had been used as a piñata.<br /><br />...I want to know what it is doing, not what it's nearly doing. And "held" just doesn't seem like the right verb. <br /><br />IMO.blankenship.louisehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05541461775158369620noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5061290982905427353.post-77555940934533307032011-05-28T17:02:50.796-04:002011-05-28T17:02:50.796-04:00I like her voice and I like the way you describe w...I like her voice and I like the way you describe what is going on. Gory but with a touch of humor. I am interested in who "kidnapped" her and why. Good beginning.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5061290982905427353.post-28918979713151797562011-05-28T13:31:15.777-04:002011-05-28T13:31:15.777-04:00Well done. Great voice. I like the beginning and t...Well done. Great voice. I like the beginning and the questions that linger from the last line of dialog.Jamie McHenryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17844129434598954840noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5061290982905427353.post-23225861440670532212011-05-28T12:02:54.625-04:002011-05-28T12:02:54.625-04:00as a guy that works in hospitals i had no trouble ...as a guy that works in hospitals i had no trouble seeing the man/pinata. great job bringing the readers right into the thick of an intense scene and making us feel a part of it all. oh, man, and you nailed the smell, too. i need to go wash my mouth and nose out after reading that :)<br /><br />douglas esper<br />http://www.douglasesper.comAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5061290982905427353.post-7538736699738825722011-05-28T11:05:16.747-04:002011-05-28T11:05:16.747-04:00Ooh! I remember seeing your entry on Ebysswriter a...Ooh! I remember seeing your entry on Ebysswriter as one of the finalists. <br /><br />Love the tension and all the visual imagery and sensory details. <br /><br />I know you're limited to 250 words, but in your next round of revisions maybe throw in one line about what she's feeling in regards to the kidnapping.I think I'd be angry or afraid. (You might have it in the next few lines which aren't posted, I don't know.)<br /><br />I like how this has so much voice in it. Great hook, and it's a really catchy opening.Kimberlee Turleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04695299361596799423noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5061290982905427353.post-10914558316888237062011-05-28T05:03:56.293-04:002011-05-28T05:03:56.293-04:00Great voice - great hook at the end. I'd defi...Great voice - great hook at the end. I'd definitely keep going. In the first 2 sentences, her dialogue threw me - I know we're told not to open with dialogue, but I think it works better to start with her first spoken line (and what a great first line that would be! LOL), then go to her burying her nose in the hospital gown, it puts as squarely into what's happening from the first sentence.Jaye Robin Brownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03929739858812153990noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5061290982905427353.post-10356012156389885332011-05-28T02:52:58.524-04:002011-05-28T02:52:58.524-04:00Other then some confusion about the "kidnappi...Other then some confusion about the "kidnapping" since the two seem very familiar, I like this. Well done!Jamiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16358261456925009797noreply@blogger.com